It Burns us, Precious.

It's little wonder that the Scots choose to make more fuss over Robert Burns than they do over their patron Saint, especially considering the only notable thing St. Andrew ever did was name a golf course after himself¹. But why the big fuss over Burns' Night? I've looked into this at quite great length² and what I found was that he seems to be some kind of hero of the people, viz:

"Rabbie Burns was just a common lad from the hills, like, he wrote poems about getting up in the morning and stuff. He wasn't writing flouncy poetry about flowers, he was writing because he worked on a cruddy farm and had to get up at 5am and it's bloody freezing."

My response of course was why didn't he move to England and get a proper job. However, because the Scots love him so much (and they have to find something to be happy about) I've compiled an alternative list of reasons to celebrate the birth of Rabbie Burns:

1. He wrote the following immortal lines:

I'd be mair vauntie o' my hap,
Douce hingin' owre my curple,
Than ony ermine ever lap,
Or proud imperial purple.

Now I'll be the first to admit I have no idea what any of this means, since I recognise about one word in five. But what is really, really amazing about this poem - the thing that makes it stand out amongst his others - is that he manages to find a rhyme for the world purple.

2. Burns' Supper. Even if you go solely for the purpose of having a wee dram. I have a very high opinion of a man who gets the phrase "entrails gushing" into a pre-dinner speech and gets away with it because it's cultural.

3. There was another Robert Burns who is notable for robbin' a liquor store and escaping from a chain gang. Now HE'S a man of the people.

4. While Address to a Haggis itself is some million stanzas long and extremely unpleasant to listen to (it's like the Welsh national anthem which you can only sing if you have laryngitis), it contains the incredible line "Great Cheiftan o' the puddin' race", the greatest thing you can ever say to a sheep's stomach stuffed with, let's be honest, all the other bits of the sheep.

5. He wrote some pretty famous stuff, quite a lot of which has been well and truly anglicised. I guess you're thinking these famous words;

The best laid plans of mice and men,
Oft go awry

Well, you'd be wrong. Actually what he wrote was;

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men

Gang aft agley

Which makes no sense at all!

6. For a while, "Scots wha hae" was considered to be the unofficial national anthem of Scotland. Now don't tell me that "wha hae" is a dialect phrase meaning "who have", it's so obvious that it was intended to sound like "Scots - Wahey!"

---

1. Don't get me started on St. George, who never set foot in Britain and converted unbelievers by waving a dragon at them and saying "You guys feel like becoming Christians, right?".
2. By which I mean I asked my Scottish friend Johnny "Why do you like Burns' Night so much?"