Dear America,

I just thought I'd write this letter to warn you. You are about to get invaded. Over the years, the cream of British talent, the finest minds, the best actors, the greatest sportsmen have been exported to Hollywood to make their place in the world. This year, they're all staying in the U.K., and you're getting Danielle Lloyd.

You've seen a few bad imports recently. Jordan and Peter or David and Victoria to name a few. This girl was actually Miss Great Britain, but she was stripped of her title for shagging one of the judges. Since then, stripping has become her thing. Her career seemed to profit from her involvment in the alleged racist attacks on 'Celebrity' Big Brother.

Please make sure she has plenty of clothes to wear, and maybe someone to help her dress herself - she seems to find it difficult, poor thing. I really hope she finds happiness in the U.S., so there's no chance she'll ever come back here.

Yours sincerely,

Alyssa

Exoplanets surprise scientists by obeying the fundamental laws of physics

Hurrah for Gliese 581c, the most compelling 'evidence' yet that there is life outside our solar system. Apparently it's something like a similar size to the Earth (R ~ 1.5 Re), and within the Goldilocks zone, the suspiciously named region of orbital radius within which temperatures are reasonable for life. The implications of these are succinctly summarised by the Science experts at the Daily Mail, who can reveal that Gliese 581c has "the same climate as Earth, plus water and gravity".

Well, this IS shocking stuff - Planets with gravity?

They'll be giving off radiation next.

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew

Last night I baked a traditional english steak pie as proof to my roommates that England's awful culinary rap is somewhat unfair. Even my Italian roommate (who won't even eat most brands of pasta) enjoyed it. In celebration, I tried to replicate the terrifying alcoholic milkshakes that Sarah used to brew with secret herbs. Though decadent and delicious, they were not full of witchcraft - maybe a good thing?

In other news, our politicians are becoming even more ridiculous. I have to go eat more potatoes now.

How the future should have been

Ha ha ha ha ha! Stupid people who don't know about the present!

Giving up the goat

There is an old Turkish saying that goes as follows:

A woman for duty, a boy for pleasure, but a goat for ecstasy.

Well, apparently it's popular in Sudan as well.

Absolute quote of the day: "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together."

'Be more British week'

This is my new idea. Ever since the Shirehall in Shrewsbury took down the Union Jack incase it offended ethnic minorities living in the town¹, I've felt a bit distressed by the fact that it seems like the only people it's OK to have a go at are the British². Of course, that makes me a conservative, which in turn makes me suicidal.
There are many aspects to Britain that I dislike. Birmigham New Street station, Football fans³, people who think bus shelters are the place to be on a friday night and the rest. But there are so many things we should be proud of and so many great traditions we should keep going. So in 'be more British week' (and I say British to please the European Union, because really I'd like it to be 'be more English week') I propose we spend a little while doing things we often forget. Drink tea hot, with milk. Spend an hour digging in the vegetable garden or cut the lawn. Talk to someone about the weather, or queue for a bus. Make a sarcastic comment, or satirical joke about Tony Blair. Say something quaint like 'goodness me', or drop something and exclaim 'oh sugar!'. Have your umbrella turned inside out.

Do it all safe in the knowledge that the world will be, in a small way, a more British place.

---

1. An idiotic suggestion, because Shrewsbury is the whitest town in Shropshire, which is in turn the whitest county in England. This isn't because of racism on our part you see. Put simply, it has few charms and plenty of downsides which you can only really ignore if you were brought up with them.
2. Especially the Welsh. If you must call them a people.
3. Who I witnessed in full voice at aforementioned station, singing the opening riff of Ring of Fire in a way that would make Johnny Cash depressed and thus combining two evils into a single, more vile offence.

Reasons they should never give me power

Three inventions that I think they should have;

Google Maps on airplane windows. I was flying from Austin, TX to Chicago a few weeks ago in the evening, and I wanted to see where we were. I didn't know, cause everything was lit up the same (ie, with those lovely sodium lights). It was terrible. I think that they should transpose the names of roads and towns on the windows. It'd make the process of flying more interesting.

Salt licks. I like salt. We need more of these. Cows and deer have them. Clearly we have the technology to make them - there's no difficulty in manufacturing them. Why can't I go to the supermarket and buy a stick of salt? I'm gonna blame Big Dave for this one.

Air dryers for bathrooms. Like the hand ones, but for me when I get out of the shower. I can't think of anything more unpleasant than stepping out of a warm shower onto a cold floor with cold air. So.... if you have a big vent on either side blowing warm air at you, then you dry off pleasantly. It's a win-win situation^1,2.

I have a whole bunch of other inventions, but they're not as good as these. Unless you count the one that I thought was brilliant and amazing, but promptly forgot the next day. Shame.

------------------------

¹Unless you have to worry about doing your hair. But that's not a problem for me.
²And unless you count the environment. Then it's a win-win-lose. And I'm not quite sure who the second win is for. Maybe manufacturers.

Adam and Eve on the Galapagos islands.

Those of you following the creation vs. evolution debate in the US might find the following interesting:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/programmes/heart_and_soul.shtml

(Apologies for my dismal ability to link properly, I know that Uncle Nathan is hanging his head in disappointment.)

Though I'd call myself a historical critic of the bible, and do not embrace a creationist standpoint, it is nice to hear a creationist asking intelligently phrased questions, for once. Whilst it is fun to ridicule the oemega sized brains of the Christian right, an intelligent discussion of a tendentious matter, really, for the religious, is a welcome addition to the debate. Also, it is interesting to note that in the original hebrew, the creation story is much more metaphorical than the literal rendering that creationists assume is an account of the actual creation of the world, and is treated as such by the rabbis. But then, the King James Bible came down from heaven on a cloud, G-d spoke English, and Jesus was aryan. Silly me.