I'm sorry, Sufjan. I really am.Valentine's day is fast approaching, and being in a long-distance relationship I am in a bit of a quandry as to what I should do to celebrate. I've split the different options (and how they would portray me) into a list. I'm currently in 2a), tending towards 1).
1. The realist sends a small-ish card, by second class post. It may have a note inside it saying how they'd love to spend the day together, but can't. In addition, they'll have a long phonecall and tell eachother they love eachother more often than usual.
2. The post-modern ironic smartass is the guy that refuses to send anything because Valentine's Day is commercialist bullshit. Not only this - he insists on telling everyone he meets for a fortnight beforehand that Valentine's presents is commercial bullshit. He may also use words like "hyper-consumerism", "corporate conspiracy" and "the MAN" .
2a). The secure relationship refuses to send anything because there are more ways of saying 'I love you' and there's no need to prove it with tacky tat just for one day of the year.
3. The no-hoper sends an e-card, possibly even an animated one, with the text to the effect of "I luv u!!" either because he forgot to buy one or he genuinely thinks e-cards are a good thing.
The no-hoper is usually single by Feb. 15th unless the act is construed as being so ridiculous that he is in fact mistaken for 2), in which case he gets bonus points for being witty, funny or soooo ironic.
4. The Sentimentalist sends a careful, thoughtful card with perhaps a poem inside that has been composed for the occasion. Phrases like "Roses are red, violets are blue" are avoided at all costs. They may also have flowers delivered, and spend hours on the day looking at photos of the couple together. They will then cry themself to sleep. People like this suck.
5. Anyone who sends a stuffed toy - be it elephant, monkey holding humerous banana or indeed teddy bear with a little red heart - will be first against the wall when the revolution comes.
